Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
