i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
