it hurts more in the daytime
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
