Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
