So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
