i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
