I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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