I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
