i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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