Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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