my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
