Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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