i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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