at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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