I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
