I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
