in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
