Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
pray to the hookup gods
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
