this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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