R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize