I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
