Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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