Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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