True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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