Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
