Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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