I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
