Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
