I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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