He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
