Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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