Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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