took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
