he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
