I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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