i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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