Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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