Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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