before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
