I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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