i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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