I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
