Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
