he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
