In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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