M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
