dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
