My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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