I just pynch a tree in the face
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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