I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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