The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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