she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
