I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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