im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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