I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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