ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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