Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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