I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
