he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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