I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
