OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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