I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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